Managing diversities in the home
If you ask a single lady what kind of man she wants in her life, you would know in an instant that she’s in some kind of dream land if her checklist looks something like this: “Very Tall. Dark. Handsome. Six packs. Rich. Lives in Banana Island. Drives a Porsche. Very caring. Does not complain. Very Tolerant. Virgin. Amen.” Where do you hope to find a guy like that? Such guys are even scarce in the Bible. Most people know this list is funny and unrealistic. But it is surprising that we are almost like that when it comes to our expectations from our spouses in many regards. We have this self-made idea of what our ideal spouse should be like and we try to work it inside them. If we ever achieve anything from this expectation, it is that we have succeeded in chasing away peace from the home.
One very bedrock your family needs in order to fulfill purpose is peace in the home. For in the long run, you will not amount to much if there is always trouble in the home. Peace is very important and that’s why the devil is trying to take it away, because he knows that the lack of peace makes you vulnerable. Proverbs 21:9 says, “Better to live on the roof than share the house with a nagging wife.” You may say that’s not too fair for women. Now for men: “Better to live in prison than share the house with an insensitive husband.”
A major cause of issues in a marriage is the clash of personal preferences. Each marriage partner has his or her idiosyncrasies which may have been formed by different background, culture, exposure, fantasies etc. and these give varying worldviews. We are wired differently and are now united in the bond of marriage. The worst is, the world is trying to define to us what love is or how love should be expressed. A peck in the morning. Joint account. Lunch box for your husband. Rush to the car to welcome him from work. Dinner out every other week end. And so on. So where these things are not done, love may be waning. No! As nice as these activities appear, they are really our personal preferences, not scriptural references.
Many of us get into marriage with a long list of “nice things to have,” and they are only found in the mind, most times, not in reality. If you find things you want adjusted in your spouse, communicate to them and give them several years to adjust, because, after all, they probably have been like that for many years. We can be diverse in terms of our background and personal traits, but we can stand united. Remember, the husband and the wife is one. Let everybody be who God has wired them to be. Let peace and unity reign. So, as a rule of thumb, whenever you face any clash of opinion in your marriage, take time out to ask yourself: “is this my personal preference or is there is a scriptural reference to this situation?” You will find yourself beginning to calm down and it then becomes easier to become flexible about things. Your spouse is not your competition. Win-win!
– Tope S. Aladenusi
The Best Legacy For Your Children
You have heard many people say that the best legacy to give your children is education. That is wrong and not biblical. The best gift you can ever give to your children is Christ. That is the best legacy you can leave your kids with. To give them Christ, they need your attention. With the right values, your children will fulfill their purpose in life.
We should stop raising devilish technocrats in our homes. When kids are young, say before teenage age, they crave our attention, and if we don’t give it to them, we will be the ones craving theirs when they become teenagers or older. When you come back from work and the kids want to play with you and tell you stories of all the events that happened during the day, that’s an opportunity to shape their mindsets and habits. Grab it! But that’s when we are tired from the day’s work. We shut them down and play some cartoons for them. They are going to learn what is right and wrong from the TV and Internet if we are not there to train them.
You are the first role model to your kids. They learn from how you live your life. People learn about things by hearing about them, but they learn how to do things by watching people do them. Model Christ in front of your kids daily because they pick more from your actions than your words. It is the habits they pick up from you today that will govern their lives tomorrow. It appears our lifestyle today is tailored to only making a living. The devil has lied to many that as long as you give education, that’s okay. The devil is the god of this world and can easily penetrate the educational system. In fact, in some lands, he has successfully removed the “church” from schools. There is something more important than education. Teach your kids the Word, and they will excel anywhere they find themselves.
Watch the growth and progress of your children. Ask them questions about their views on Bible truths or how they would face different types of challenges or situations, and use that as an opportunity to teach them what you have learned from the Word. You can use role-playing also. This activity will help you decipher their motivation and help you mould them.
I like the Chinese proverb that says – “the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” It doesn’t matter how long you have been missing the point, start giving your children the best legacy today!
– Tope S. Aladenusi
Managing Your Own Government
God willing, you may become a president of your country or the CEO of a thriving company or have a ministry with a global impact, and that comes with a lot of responsibilities. The expectations are enormous. Obviously, not everybody reading this will venture into politics or try their hands at a start-up or be led into full-time ministry. But just in case you think you have a better idea on how to run your country or manage the company you work for or transform the ministry God has placed you in and wished you were in charge of things, look no further. If you have a family, you already have where to start from. You already have your own government.
The family is the smallest unit of society, and the Christian family is a microcosm of the church. It deserves no less attention and management than any other sphere of influence that God has called you into. Paul asked a rhetoric question in 1 Timothy 3:5: “If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?” It’s striking that he uses the word, “manage,” because the family needs to be managed much like any other organisation—the church, a company, or a country.
The family is the zone where all the elements of man (that is, the spirit, soul and body) get sufficient attention. Make provision for the spirit and soul of every member of the family, without neglecting the body of everyone. Take care of yourself and your spouse. You are both emotional beings. You cannot get too spiritual to the extent that you do not pay attention to your spouse’s physical and emotional needs. Satisfy each other. Pay attention to your children, especially before their teenage stage. Make the effort to instill godly characters in them while they are still very young. Eat together as a family. Have close family fellowships where you can break bread together. In such gatherings, everyone can discuss a topic, and grow together.
To be continued next week.
– Tope S. Aladenusi
Love and Submission in the Family – Not A Transaction
Unless you went for window shopping, whenever you walked into a shopping mall, you definitely had things to buy. As you walked along the aisle, putting things into your cart, you were well aware you had cash in your wallet or purse, or you had your credit or debit card with you. The cashier handled your payment and issued you a receipt. Now everybody was happy. They had your money, and you had their goods. Transaction completed.
The above scenario is a familiar one, and somehow, we have come to see life mostly as a transaction—“give and take” or “take and give” and that attitude has been brought into marriages since two parties are also involved. The Apostle Paul gave a set of instructions for Christian households regarding relationships in Ephesians 5:21-33. Two phrases that readily come to mind are: “Wives, submit to your husbands…” and “Husbands, love your wives…” Many people have misconstrued these two injunctions to be a deed of partnership and have reduced marital relationship to a mere transaction.
So you hear men say, “I cannot continue loving this woman if she doesn’t submit to me,” and women, “I will submit to my husband if and only if he proves to be loving.” This is not marriage; at best, it is a transaction -“Pay Before Service!” Where marriage is seen this way, the problem becomes that of who gives first, and this further complicates things. Paul started his discourse on marriage by saying in verse 21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” and the Bible also commands us almost everywhere to love one another. You see? The Husband is the Chief Loving Officer (CLO) and the wife, the Chief Submission Officer (CSO) in terms of overall responsibility, but each one has “love” and “submission” in their job descriptions because they are first Christians before they are couples. For example, Titus 2:4 says, “…Teach the young women…to love their husbands…”
The principle of love and submission is to be done by both husbands and wives. They should both be loving and submitting. I cannot stress the importance of loving each other enough. There are also times when a wife can have a superior idea or make inputs in grey areas that the husband didn’t take note of from the outset.
Love each other. One of the most striking things about God’s kind of love is that you can teach yourself to operate in it. Carnal love is completely motivated by the emotions or senses, but God’s kind of love comes from the heart, and although feelings are definitely affected, they don’t motivate or deter God’s kind of love. God’s kind of love is a choice you make on the basis of what God said, and then act on it in faith until it becomes a reality in your spirit, soul and body.
Make a commitment today to always be proactive in putting love and submission on the table in your family, and you will experience a home after God’s heart.
To be continued next week.
– Tope S. Aladenusi
How do I get past the pain of the past years? I do not think I can forgive this, this is too much! Can you imagine? She … He…
These are the voices of many people in different forms of relationships today. Everyone has been hurt by someone they thought they could trust. It hurts because we trusted, and got disappointed!
The effect of the rolled over pain and unattended disappointments have left strains in a lot of families.
Many marriages today are very far from their places in destiny because of one disappointment or the other. Spouses are unable to get past the pain of disappointment to healing and fulfillment. How do we get to this place while being led by the Word of God? This is the question I pray this article will answer.
Every relationship thrives on the ability to forgive and forget. Everyone must come to accept forgiving and forgetting as a lifestyle and the key to having fulfilled relationships.
For some time now when I see couples, I keep seeing the wonder of what lies between them. For every couple having a great time together, laughing and working together, there lies forgiving and forgetting. Hurting one another is inevitable where two people are working closely with one another and especially in marriage. A friend used to say,” I can only step on your toes because we are close enough to each other”. Offense is inevitable in any relationship of any kind: the closer the relationship, the greater the possibility of offense. Someone once said there are very few people who can hurt you like your spouse and children. This is the fact of life we must live with. But when there is an offence what do we do? How do we get around it to get to our perfect destination of Peace and Harmony?
So many families are under the captivity of unforgiveness, brothers and sisters in discord because of longstanding sibling rivalry, husband and wife relationships heavily strained because of past offences. And in some cases, the marriage ends in divorce. How do we ensure our relationships do not become part of the statistics?
- Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age: and he made him a coat of many colours. And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably unto him.
- And Joseph dreamed a dream, and he told it his brethren: and they hated him yet the more.
- And he said unto them, Hear, I pray you, this dream which I have dreamed:
- For, behold, we were binding sheaves in the field, and, lo, my sheaf arose, and also stood upright; and, behold, your sheaves stood round about, and made obeisance to my sheaf.
- And his brethren said to him, Shalt thou indeed reign over us? Or shalt thou indeed have dominion over us? And they hated him yet the more for his dreams, and for his words.
- And he dreamed yet another dream, and told it his brethren, and said, Behold, I have dreamed a dream more; and, behold, the sun and the moon and the eleven stars made obeisance to me.
- And he told it to his father, and to his brethren: and his father rebuked him, and said unto him, what is this dream that thou hast dreamed? Shall I and thy mother and thy brethren indeed come to bow down ourselves to thee to the earth?
- And his brethren envied him; but his father observed the saying.
- And his brethren went to feed their father’s flock in Shechem.
- And Israel said unto Joseph, Do not thy brethren feed the flock in Shechem? Come, and I will send thee unto them. And he said to him, here am I.
- And he said to him, Go, I pray thee, see whether it be well with thy brethren, and well with the flocks; and bring me word again. So he sent him out of the vale of Hebron, and he came to Shechem.
- And a certain man found him, and, behold, he was wandering in the field: and the man asked him, saying, what seekest thou?
- And he said, I seek my brethren: tell me, I pray thee, where they feed their flocks.
- And the man said, they are departed hence; for I heard them say, let us go to Dothan. And Joseph went after his brethren, and found them in Dothan.
- And when they saw him afar off, even before he came near unto them, they conspired against him to slay him.
- And they said one to another, Behold, this dreamer cometh.
- Come now therefore, and let us slay him, and cast him into some pit, and we will say, some evil beast hath devoured him: and we shall see what will become of his dreams.
- And Reuben heard it, and he delivered him out of their hands; and said, Let us not kill him.
- And Reuben said unto them, Shed no blood, but cast him into this pit that is in the wilderness, and lay no hand upon him; that he might rid him out of their hands, to deliver him to his father again.
- And it came to pass, when Joseph was come unto his brethren, that they stripped Joseph out of his coat, his coat of many colours that was on him;
- And they took him, and cast him into a pit: and the pit was empty, there was no water in it.
- And they sat down to eat bread: and they lifted up their eyes and looked, and, behold, a company of Ishmeelites came from Gilead with their camels bearing spicery and balm and myrrh, going to carry it down to Egypt.
- And Judah said unto his brethren, what profit is it if we slay our brother, and conceal his blood?
- Come, and let us sell him to the Ishmeelites, and let not our hand be upon him; for he is our brother and our flesh. And his brethren were content.
- Then there passed by Midianites merchantmen; and they drew and lifted up Joseph out of the pit, and sold Joseph to the Ishmeelites for twenty pieces of silver: and they brought Joseph into Egypt.
- And Reuben returned unto the pit; and, behold, Joseph was not in the pit; and he rent his clothes.
- And he returned unto his brethren, and said, the child is not; and I, whither shall I go?
- And they took Joseph’s coat, and killed a kid of the goats, and dipped the coat in the blood;
- And they sent the coat of manycolours, and they brought it to their father; and said, this have we found: know now whether it be thy son’s coat or no.
- And he knew it, and said, it is my son’s coat; an evil beast hath devoured him; Joseph is without doubt rent in pieces.
- And Jacob rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days.
- And all his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted; and he said, For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning. Thus his father wept for him.
- And the Midianites sold him into Egypt unto Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh’s, and captain of the guard. (Genesis 37:3-36).
Just like Joseph I am very sure you have the right to feel offended. Being angry really is not a sin. Scripture confirms it to us in Ephesians 4:26 “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” Really you have a right to feel offended but how do we ensure that SIN does not take hold of your anger.
Offense always leads to bitterness where not properly taken care of.
We cannot prevent offenses but we have the power to take care of them when they occur. Our Lord
Jesus taught us through the Bible that we should forgive as many times as we are offended.
“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times: but, until seventy times seven. Mat 18:21-22
Just like Joseph, you have every reason to be offended but going further down the passage above, our Lord Jesus told a parable of a servant who refused to forgive little after he had been forgiven so much. Jesus concluded that the servant was WICKED. To refuse to forgive is to act wickedly, unfortunately we do not act wickedly against the person alone but even against ourselves. Nelson Mandela said “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
Keeping offense takes us off the path of trusting God! When we keep offense we take over, instead of allowing God to defend us.
I hear someone say this lady does not know what she is talking about, I should just forget that I read this. This is the more reason you must forgive.
Why we must forgive
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.(Matthew 6:12)
For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:14 -15)
I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. (Isaiah 43:25)
We forgive first for our own sake, for our own healing. When our Lord Jesus Christ was teaching us how to pray He said forgive us just as we forgive others!
We need to forgive just as much as we require forgiveness ourselves. And do not we all need God’s Forgiveness?
We need to forgive because we must get to our place in destiny. I believe Joseph got to destiny because he forgave. He had forgiven his brothers even before his first encounter with them after they sold him off.
The story of Joseph is one that thrills me every time I read or think about it. After reading and meditating on his story I wondered how he was able to forgive his siblings.
He had every right to be bitter against them and even God. He got revelations from God about his future and instead of having things fall in place from then on, his life seemed to go haywire. His own brothers sold him into Slavery, his master’s wife wanted to sleep with him and when he stood his ground in the fear of God, he landed in prison.
At some point I thought he would have just given up on God, but he did not. Rather, he held on to God the more; and little wonder, even in the prison he was interpreting dreams.
We cannot afford to lose hold of our God-given promises because of bitterness. As I write, I sense some people are not just bitter against their spouses, but even their in-laws and this is creeping into the relationship they have with their spouses. I pray that healing will come for every hurting soul.
We are forgiven as much as we forgive ourselves.
Forgiving after a broken heart!
It can be very difficult after a heart has been broken too many times by the same person. I will not just speak scriptures and walk away. Nothing heals the heart more than the Word of God! Yes your heart has been stepped upon without care but you need to take responsibility for your heart.
What do we do about the unrepentant we need to forgive?
How do we forget?
Decide to Forget
Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. (Isaiah 43:18)
You and I have the responsibility of choosing to forget. Choose to let go. You will have flash back of the pains and disappointments but as you decide to forget and act contrary to your feelings of revenge you will get to the place of healing and wholeness.
- And Joseph returned into Egypt, he, and his brethren, and all that went up with him to bury his father, after he had buried his father.
- And when Joseph’s brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will peradventure hate us, and will certainly requite us all the evil which we did unto him.
- And they sent a messenger unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying, So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the trespass of thy brethren, and their sin; for they did unto thee evil: and now, we pray thee, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him.
- And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants. And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God?
- But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. (Genesis 50:15 -20)
See everything as working together for your good. As much as people act wrongly against us, it does not change God’s plan, it is part of His plan. “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;” (2 Corinthians 4:17). When we face injustice as Christians, we should remember that Jesus Christ suffered much more injustice for our sake. “For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake;” (Philippians 1:29)“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28).
Things work together for good only when we are in line with God’s love and purpose. Being in line with God’s love and purpose is to forgive and forget.
Even if it’s personal against you and repeated seven times through the day, and seven times he says, ‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,’ forgive him.”(Luke 17:4 –The MSG)
What to do next?
This is the very difficult part. There is no simple answer other than letting the Holy Spirit guide you in all your ways.
Our Lord Jesus promised never to leave us without comfort and He keeps this promise through the Holy Spirit, the Seal of our redemption. The person you need to forgive may not be repentant, and may be your spouse or someone you cannot readily get rid of. Yet you need to keep on holding on to the Word of God and allowing His Spirit to guide you in all your ways. Ensure you have no resentment and be open to God about your feelings. Sometimes we are hurt and heaven knows we are, and we ought to feel hurt. The best part is that we have a High Priest that is moved by our issues. He understands betrayals and hurt more than you think. He can get you through this also.
Pray sincerely telling God exactly how you feel and watch a miracle begin in your heart! He will fill you with so much love than you can ever imagine! You are on your way to healing!
Rules of Engagement for Couples
From experience I have found that it is necessary for couples to set rules for what can and cannot happen in the event of any disagreement. It is interesting that often we assume our marriages will just work out fine, especially for Christians, but today we have found that it takes a deliberate attempt by both partners no matter how Spirit filled to make it work.
Decide as a couple limits of how far you will ever go in the case of a disagreement.
No Physical Abuse, name calling, bringing up the past except that is what the discussion is about. No dragging of third parties into the argument, stick to the matter that needs to be addressed. Respect your partner’s feelings. There is so much that we could share, here is a link you can go to for more information.
Maybe you are reading this article and your marriage just came out of a terrible storm and the wounds are still fresh, this is good information for you.
To the Forgiven
You know you have done wrong and you have been forgiven, it is not time to forget completely it ever happened. It is time to build back confidence into your partner. Your partner is trying to do the right thing by forgiving you, so you need to make it easy by “bearing fruits worthy of repentance” (Matthew 3:8). Make deliberate efforts with the help of the Holy Spirit to take your family far away from yesterday.
To the Forgiver
Thank God you have taken the road to freedom which is forgiveness. Now, it is time to forget. Forgetting takes deliberate effort not to go back there, for your own sake! Your mind will wander back to the pain, please make deliberate effort to offload your mind of your hurts, do not push them back, bring them up and deal with them. Trust the Holy Spirit to help you do the right things to renew your love. Fill up your being with God’s Word. Nothing heals like God’s Word.
UNDERSTANDING what men really desire is never easy, since men come in different variations. However, regardless of what category a man falls into, there are things that every man is looking for in a woman. Are you the type of woman that men desire to be with?
Be Real with who you really are, rather than try to be what you think you should be or who you think people want you to be. It is easy to sense a real person from an artificial one and one of the main turn offs for men is a woman who is not herself and gives off a fake vibe.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price [is] far above rubies. PROVERBS 31:10.
Have Confidence – Nothing is more attractive to a man than a woman who is confident and feels comfortable and happy in her skin. A woman who feels good about herself is a woman most likely with a good head on her shoulders, rational, focused and has good direction in life. If a woman does not have confidence in herself, then a man feels and sees no reason to have confidence in her either and he will not want to invest his time and effort in a woman he will have to baby sit emotionally all the time.
Regaining or boosting your confidence helps to improve your entire life, as well as your general sense of well-being. This is because when you love and accept yourself, this basically spreads like a wild-fire into every aspect of your life!
You can attract others almost effortlessly with your sincere and irresistible aura of feminine confidence.
A woman who’s secure in who she is, who LOVES who she is, as well as how she speaks, acts and interacts, has true confidence – and she’ll be benefited in unimaginable ways!
She’ll also achieve so much more in her life because of her healthy confidence and self-belief.
Did you know that almost everything positive and worthwhile that you currently have is a direct result of your personal levels of self-belief and self-confidence!?
Also, it’s very important that a woman knows her REAL self-worth before she even starts to go on the lookout for a man – or even out on another date! This is because men are only attracted to genuine confidence in a woman.
When you finally learn how to look at yourself in a new healthy and positive way, others will also start to look at you differently!
Express Intellect – Being desirable to a man is not just about having a pretty face or shapely figure. A woman with intelligence is important to and a man wants to be with a woman who will have something to talk about and who will teach him new things, just as he will teach her. Everyone is unique and has their own personal talents and areas of higher intelligence than others- so be sure to express that side of yourself to prove that you do have the whole package- an attractive appearance along with other intellectual surprises. Share your hobbies and share things you have learned through your life experiences.
A foolish woman [is] clamorous: [she is] simple, And knoweth nothing. PROVERBS 9:13.
Be Sweet and Feminine – Okay, today women are more independent and career oriented, but that does not mean we should have to give up and forget our feminine roots. Women are delicate creatures after all- we are sweet and giving and it is important for a man to see these qualities in a woman. It is not weak to show a man that you are sweet and care taking- after all, this is the type of woman a man dreams coming home to- someone who will lovingly welcome him home with a sweet feminine smile and take care of him. Never lose your special feminine roots- show him your sweet and romantic side.
Tell him what you want – It is understandable that you want a man who will treat you beautifully without you having to give him directions- and you should never lower your standards when it comes to this. However, you also have to remember that men cannot read minds and let’s face the fact- women are emotionally unpredictable creatures and are not always easy to read. Men love it when a woman has the strength and confidence to tell him what she wants. Men want to please women, so do not be afraid to open up and let him know what is important to you.
A virtuous woman [is] a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed [is] as rottenness in his bones. PROVERBS 12:4.
Stay Glamorous – This does not mean that you should walk on eggshells and worry about your looks all the time. You should feel secure enough in your relationship to know that even when you do not wear makeup, your man will still adore you and will not look at other women. However, this does not mean you should let yourself go and not care about the things that were once important to you. Relationships usually start going downhill when one or both partners stop caring about the little things.
Glamour is not based on a certain kind of face or body type. The most beautiful face and body can be very unglamorous .Have you ever noticed a stranger across a room who for some reason you just couldn’t take your eyes off …who drew your attention and you weren’t sure why. She wasn’t a “raving beauty” perhaps or she may not have been blessed with “the best body” in the world—but, nonetheless, she was radiantly beautiful—stunning—and she had a look that demanded your attention, in a very positive way.
Love yourself: We spend so much time waiting to be loved, hoping love will find us, searching, yearning for that special love, feeling empty and lost without it. Wanting someone to give us love and fill us up. Unfortunately, that’s not usually how life works. Loving yourself is mainly having self-respect which is the only dependable way to create love in your own life to share with others. When you expect love from an external source, and someone or something does not fulfill your void and fantasies, then you will feel worse than before. To be able to be loved, you must love and respect yourself as much as you do others.
– Janet Funmi Jacob
In a typical African setting, a man is seeing and perceived as a domineering boss when it comes to the issue of love, passion and feelings. Women find it difficult to understand why their yearning for the love of their husband is left unsatisfied or rather unnoticed by their husband. I have come to discover in three years of marriage that men perceive romance in totally different ways from the women. Most times, a woman provides so many gestures which go unnoticed by the man. A husband may try to do everything possible to make sure he gets to the heart of his wife only to discover that the precious wife did not appreciate it.
If your thought is as mine you may begin to wonder, ‘’but what is wrong’’ Are the gestures extended not romantic or thoughtful? No! Are the recipients ungrateful and self-absorbed? No! The spouse is simply not romancing their spouse in a way that is romantic to them!
In this piece I shall be speaking from the woman’s perspective, what can a man do to make his wife feel loved?
Fellowship Together:ave you ever wondered how you can ever survive in this lifetime journey without God? No way! Take time to have fellowship with your wife on a daily basis, in fact I recommend both morning and night. In the morning before you go to work, hold hands if possible to commune with your maker, the manufacturer of this great institution. A couple that prays together, stays together. Make out time to pray together, study the word together, sometimes worshiping God in hymns and worship songs together is the bomb. Also, you can however, plan a retreat together perhaps in your vacation period, during weekends or even on weekdays.
Communicate With Her: What most men do is talk to their wife and not communication. I am privileged to study mass communication in my higher institution, and I understand that communication is not a one sided affair. When you communicate, you send a message to your wife, she gives you feedback by responding and we need to understand that unlike in a normal general setting when it comes to the issue of a man and a woman, mode of communication is different. When a man asks his woman a question, he needs answer almost immediately. For example:
Man: How are you?
Woman: I am fine.
This is not the case with women, and honestly for you to get the right answer to your ‘’how are you today?’’ from your wife as a man you will have to go through some processes like:
- a) Put up a Smile
- b) Look into her eyes
Hold her slightly and gently ask her, Honey how are you today?
Communicate at every given opportunity, talk about everything. This will go a long way to bring her into your world of love.
- Talk to her respectfully without demeaning her or hurting her feelings.
- Compliment her for the giftedness you see in her. Be specific.
- Do something active together to lift her spirit —even taking a walk hand-in-hand.
- Find something that makes you laugh together.
- Show interest in that which she values as important in her life.
- Be a good listener. Show her you value what she says: most times, men don’t really have time for women talk. I remember some years ago I was discussing this same topic with some of my colleagues, and one of my very good male friends said, ‘’Jane, do you expect me to stay sitting down with a woman? You’ve got to show enthusiasm for the things that she’s excited about—let your actions show it.
- Stop trying to fix or solve her problems. Listening may just be the single most masculine act you can do. Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7).
- When there is need for correction, be gentle —speak the truth in LOVE. Sometimes, women do some funny things that get the men angry but you can still with the help of God, correct your wife calmly.
- Let your wife know that you need and value her in your life, in your ministry, career and all round.
- Ask her what she wants: For example- “What do you need from me the most that would make you feel loved and cherished?
- Stop looking at your wife as a nag or a controller. When you see her that way, you are experiencing her as a “mother” or authority and you are the child that has to be compliant or rebellious. Instead, come from your own “inner adult” and see her as a person who has needs or wants. She is not a nag; she just needs you to come through for her and nurture her. She wants to depend on you to a certain degree. That will bring out her heart and her trust.
- Make her feel great just by being around you. This is where you want to make a woman feel safe. Everything from feeling comfortable that you’ll stand up for her if she is in need, to having someone to talk to when life gets crappy. If you can make a woman laugh, lift her spirits, ignite her passion, be an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, any woman would be hard pressed to let you go.
Never cut yourself short. So remember, stand tall and let her take in all of the man that stands before her!
– Janet Funmi Jacob
Most Marriages fail because people go into this lifetime journey with unrealistic expectations from their spouses. I know it breaks our heart when our spouses are not measuring up to our expectations like; the way we want them to listen to us when we have things on our mind to purge out, the way we admire a calm and a gentle prince charming but here’s a talking Tom, the sleeping beauty you married that has suddenly become a sleeping beast and so on….
In marriage, we launch into it expecting certain things and of course no one in his or her right senses will look at his intended partner and say, “oh my love I know that a lifetime with you will make my life miserable on every area, such that I will want to just die. Will you marry me?” it is not possible, because even if you know that your spouse is not perfect, you still hope that things can move on fine even in your differences. We expect our spouse to be faithful to us, trustworthy and honest. We also expect our spouse to love us unconditionally, to understand with our shortcomings, to make excuses on our behalf and possibly go a little extra mile to add the color of rainbow to our life. I have been opportune to speak with young singles who in their state of despondency concluded that their major concern is to just get married and they’ll be fulfilled. I always tell them that marriage is not a source of joy but rather it is God in your life that gives you joy. (COLOSSIANS 1:27). You must have been well groomed for excellence before marriage for you to enjoy this special institution. I stumbled on a post sometimes ago which says;
“Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for; Companionship, intimacy, friendship etc … The truth is that marriage at the start is an empty box, you must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage, love is in people, and people put love in marriage. There is no romance in marriage; you have to infuse it into your marriage. A couple must learn the art, and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising, of keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.”
The coming together of a good spouse should be the icing on the cake…do you get it?
– Janet Funmi Jacob
Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you are confessing so many things concerning a situation in your life and when it gets to praying about it, you could not utter a word? Could it be your marriage? Your spouse has hurt you in so many ways that instead of praying for him to change you wish God could just get you out of this web you have found yourself in!
I have Word for your today. Give God all the pieces of your broken heart; for a broken and contrite heart God never ignores.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Psalms 51:17
Speak to God like you know He knows all your thoughts about your home. Be real with God. Tell Him exactly how you feel and ask Him to heal your heart, give you fresh hope and zeal for your home.
Don’t give up yet, your family may have, your friends may have given up but God has not. If He did not withhold His Son, He will not withhold healing from your home!
He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?Rom 8:32
God give us Christian homes!
Homes where the mother, in caring quest,
Strives to show others Your way is best,
Homes where the Lord is an honored guest;
God give us Christian homes;
God give us Christian homes!
God give us Christian homes!
Homes where the children are led to know
Christ in His beauty who loves them so,
Homes where the altar fires burn and glow;
God give us Christian homes;
God give us Christian homes!
Homes where the mother, in caring quest, Strives to show others Your way is best,Strives to show others Your way is best!
Home where the mother in caring quest, a home where the mother loves all that come into the home be it, the father, children, in-laws, family, the house help, artisans etc. everyone feels loved and welcomed. The children learn indirectly to respect all people and love all from our actions.
A Christian Home is where the house help is not just a maid but an additional member of the family. A home where the mother is always trying to teach Christ with every action no matter how insignificant.Home where the mother loves God so much and she is trying to be the Christ everyone sees.
In a world where right seems wrong and wrong seems right, we must be deliberate to show the examples. Our kids are watching us like a hawk. What books or magazines can be found on our book shelves? What songs do we share with them? How deliberate are we at teaching them why one song is good or bad? Do we just shut them up and tell them to live by the law and not grace?
Homes where the Lord is an honored guest;
Homes where the children are led to know
Christ in His beauty who loves them so,
Homes where the altar fires burn and glow;
Home where the worship of God is just natural. The children burst into praise at play time because of the abundance of God’s worship around them, modeled by their parents.
A home where Christ is taught through everything, the movies, the choice of books bought for the kids, the testimonies we share with them and so much more.
I believe for us to do a good job as parents we need to learn as much from other parents who are successful at this, as possible. I have come to learn that you find only the knowledge you are looking for. The ‘How’ is all around us but we will only see what we choose.
Do we have an altar at all? Have you the woman of the home neglected it because your husband has? Or are you the father too busy with work to enshrine Christ in your home?
God give us Christian Homes!
My prayer is that the Lord will cause every scale that has blinded us to fall that we may begin to see that our ultimate purpose must be to please God and not just acquire things.
We Christians are so busy these days seeking bread at the expense of the kingdom. I was thinking about some Christian homes recently and I realized that the Children did not turn out well because they went to Ivy league schools but because they were trained in the way of the Lord.
“Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink;
nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than
Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet
your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil
not, neither do they spin:
And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the
oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal
shall we be clothed?
(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have
need of all these things.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added
Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” Mat 6:25-34(KJV).
Please think about these words like you never heard them before and let them come alive in your spirit!